| For the first time... |
[Nov. 26th, 2007|09:05 pm] |
My days have been incredibly usual.
I go out with Matt, hang out with the girls, go to school.
I still sit around at home a lot, but while I'm playing video games and watching anime I'm on the phone with him.
I guess things are good.
I've had a lot of problems with my family, but I think that will be over soon.
I'll be eighteen in April.
I have no idea what I'll do then, but I know that right now I have my first job interview.
I have the only A I've had in high school.
I'm back with the best person for me and my friends actually consider me close to them.
I'm happy. |
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| A natural cock sucker. |
[Aug. 15th, 2007|10:42 pm] |
We were making out and Matt was touching me.
I felt selfish so I told him I'd like to get him off.
I started playing with his tool awkwardly.
He put his hands down and helped me grasp it properly.
I rubbed back and forth even though I was embarrassed.
My embarrassment caused me to start talking endlessly about stupid things.
It's not going to work if I keep talking like this is it?
So joking around, Matt told me to occupy my mouth.
I leaned over and put him in my mouth.
I don't think he expected me to actually do that.
I was only able to get two of seven inches in my mouth so I used one hand to make up for the rest.
I sucked on Matt for about ten minutes when he suddenly pulled himself out of me.
He stood up and grabbed a towel and touched himself.
His penis was slippery and wet from my spit so he was rubbing himself really fast.
Heh. My spit's still all over you.
When I said that he came right away.
He got most of it into the towel but a bit got on my shirt.
I really had a lot of fun, though.
He told me that I was actually really good at it when I got it in my mouth.
I laughed and told him to shut up, even though I knew he was being serious. |
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| The thong. |
[Aug. 14th, 2007|02:01 am] |
"Ce, you need to wear thongs."
"Yea, and now that you're seeing Matt again you need to shave."
Mere, Kimmy and I were at the mall.
I got so embarrassed that I walked away and let them choose for me.
So my two best friends picked out underwear for me.
Today I went to his house.
After shaving.
And we made out for a while.
I let him discover them on his own.
So there I was on his bed, in nothing but a thong Kimmy had picked for me.
Matt said something about how sexy they were.
You should see the ones Meredith picked. |
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| Seeking approval. |
[Aug. 11th, 2007|12:53 am] |
What do you think of this?
"What? All of you being high?"
No this.
I ruffled Matt's hair.
"I think it's good for you, Ce."
With Gina's words and my altered state of mind, I realized something.
This last year I've been so much more depressed than I ever was when I was with Matt.
Now that we're together, I'm a lot happier. |
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| My parents were out of town and... |
[Aug. 10th, 2007|05:15 pm] |
| [ | Tags | | | alcohol, booze, boyfriend, cherry, cigarette, party, pot, sex, spin the bottle, weed, wild party | ] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | My house, but in a good way | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Hardcore Trance | ] |
So since that time, Matt and I have been together.
We've hung out, made out.
Mostly hanging out in groups.
With Kimmy and Meredith.
My best friends.
The other day Kimmy was in shock that I had never played spin the bottle.
We decided we had to have a spin the bottle party.
I'm a senior in high school playing spin the bottle for the first time.
Anyway, we knew my parents were leaving town on Thursday to see Em march at the state capital.
So I threw my first and likely only wild party.
Kimmy came over early to help me set up.
We moved all the furniture, locked a few doors and put food out.
Then a few people started coming.
Then a lot of people came.
A lot happened and I dubbed it the funniest day of my life.
Kimmy and Kyle borrowed my car to pick up some pot and drove across my neighbor's lawn.
Then we wondered what took them so long getting back so I called them.
"Dude, we got pulled over. We were going 40 over and now they're searching Kimmy."
I screamed at Kyle.
Why the fuck would you speed while you were holding?
We bantered back and forth and everyone got freaked out.
Then they pulled into the driveway and everyone was on their ass laughing.
So we went out back and toked up.
Half of my guests didn't smoke, but you couldn't tell who.
We were all in the basement having so much fun that everyone seemed high.
Then Dave asked us.
"When are we gonna play spin the god damned fucking bottle?"
So we played spin the god damned fucking bottle.
Which turned out to be really gay.
I only ever landed on girls.
Except once I landed on Jake.
And I gave him the grossest sloppy kiss on the lips.
And Gina just laughed.
If anyone else had done that, she would have beat their ass.
And all the boys only ever landed on boys.
When it switched genders, someone had landed on Adam.
Who is gay.
So it turned into spin the bottle of UV Blue.
Which is a lot more fun.
It was Denny's bottle but he wasn't there to tell us not to drink it.
I didn't drink, but everyone else got drunk.
At one point it was Matt, Dave and I in my living room.
And Dave opened up the piano and played.
And he was good.
Dave is this real hick kind of guy.
And there he is, drunk playing my piano.
Denny found out that we'd had his drink and wanted money for it.
He wouldn't shut up until someone would pay him.
And no one wanted to pay him.
And I got an impulse.
How much did you say it was?
As he was answering I reached into the coin jar.
I dropped a whole hand-full on his head.
I got a lot of high fives for that one.
Kyle and Dane and Dave were out back smoking.
And my neighbor looked over.
"Do I smell pot? Ha ha, just kidding. Cigarettes are fine, but pot's another story."
And Kyle just got up and walked inside.
At one point I came out back and sat on a chair and it broke.
Later at least three other girls reported having broke that same chair.
Apparently some of the guys were setting it back up to look normal and letting people sit in it.
There were two people there who I didn't know.
Which was hilarious.
Everyone was gone by midnight.
Matt had gone home and I drove back to his house.
He climbed out his window and came back home with me to help clean up.
By one thirty everything looked exactly as it had that morning when my parents left.
And I asked Matt to stay with me.
I put on my pajamas and got us a snack.
We sat down on the futon in the basement and cuddled.
Then we took our clothes off.
A year ago when we had dated he'd never gone inside of me.
I'm a really small girl and he didn't want to hurt me.
But I want him inside me.
I told him that.
And he managed to get his finger in after four hours of me screaming.
And now I'm not cherry.
He said I hadn't bled so I was pretty happy.
After a long time of cuddling it was five in the morning.
His mom leaves for work at five thirty.
We got in my car and I drove him home.
We took all the trash from the party and dumped it in the woods behind his house.
He ran to his window.
I drove home.
Right as I walked in the door the phone rang.
"My mom knocked on my door just as I was crawling in the window."
He told his mom he was going to McDonald's.
He picked up two iced coffees and came back to my house.
We didn't get sexual when he came back.
We just fooled around.
We laughed like hell.
We made it.
Without a hitch I got away with a party and having my boyfriend sleep over. |
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| Gonna try? |
[Aug. 1st, 2007|12:02 am] |
After I dropped Em off at Band practice I called him and asked when he wanted to hang out.
He was all sometime today before five so I said I was driving over.
He freaked out and rushed to let his mom know I would be there.
I got to his house and he lead me up the stairs and into his room.
I said a sigh of exasperation and plopped down onto his bed.
He asked me if I could promise to try and make it work.
I told him I didn't want to try anything.
That I just wanted to have fun.
Then I started talking about my recent suicide attempt and my parents fighting.
And he told me he didn't care about all that. That I make him happy and he wants to be with me.
And then he rolled on top of me and kissed me.
I cried and called out his name, pushing him off of me.
We can't just start off where we left off
He got off me and just sat and held me while I cried some more.
And then we got back to joking around like usual.
And then his mom said I had to leave before she did.
And on my way out she gave me the dirtiest look anyone has ever given me. |
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| Friends. |
[Jul. 30th, 2007|11:59 pm] |
On Thursday the carnival came to town and I went with Meredith and Kimmy.
We met up with Kyle who was chain smoking.
And walked around having a time.
The rides sucked so we sad on a hill and talked.
And then Matt came over.
And things were normal.
The crowd broke up and it was Kimmy, Kyle and I.
So I told Kyle to take Kimmy up to the top of the Ferris wheel to kiss her.
And she said okay let's go.
But they didn't have the money.
So I went up to some guys.
If you give me eight dollars, among all of you, this man will have a better chance of scoring tonight.
And they complied.
I laughed like hell.
The Trio, as Mere, Kimmy and I have been dubbed, went camping this weekend.
Before we left Friday morning all of us had at least two boys ask us.
"When are you coming back?"
We went swimming in the lake, had s'mores, toked up.
It was cool.
Then I called Matt.
What are you going to do if I fall in love with you again?
There was a silence and I laughed.
Then the next night I called him and asked again.
What are you going to do when I fall in love with you again?
If, when, how, why.
I'm pretty sure we're back together, even though I haven't been in town. |
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| Another one to miss. |
[Jul. 23rd, 2007|12:21 am] |
I asked Matt what he would have done if I had killed myself.
He told me that a week ago he would have let it go.
"Tragic."
He claims he would say.
A week after I broke up with him.
I've stopped saying it was a breakup.
That I dumped him, because that is how it was.
He said he would have killed himself, too.
I said, and right now?
He said he didn't know. |
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| All night, just talking. |
[Jul. 23rd, 2007|12:13 am] |
How come we used to talk all night like this and I would tell you everything.
But by our one year, I felt like I didn't know anything about you?
I had heard about his new girlfriend which meant he was over me.
So I IMed Matt.
I was just going to ask about the pictures.
Those kind of pictures and it he still had them.
He told me the only thing left of us was the Notebook we would pass between class.
You kept the Notebook and got rid of the perverted stuff?
Okay, well. Sorry for bothering you.
"Wait. Do you still never want to talk to me again?"
I told him I didn't care and ended up in over my head.
So we've been talking.
Almost every day now.
The same as it used to be.
I tell him everything about me, he's just so easy to get along with.
I think I understand more about him now.
About what he was and who he is now.
And a little more about myself.
It is scary, though.
Finding out the past.
He told me he smoked pot the whole time we were dating.
I guess that it's good to know the truth but it hurts me.
I mean, I knew he was a liar, but I didn't realize that that meant he lied to me.
The worst thing that happened was on the first night, almost a week ago now.
He told me I'm a bitch.
I'll always be a bitch because I hurt him.
I told him he knew me better than anyone.
"Yea. Because of nights like this." |
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| Wanting to be loved. |
[Jul. 17th, 2007|03:22 pm] |
I told my therapist that I'm sure I know what everyone would do if I died.
I described to her how it would destroy my mother.
How my little sister would store it deep inside of her where it would swell into insanity.
How all of my friends would mourn for a month and then forget me.
"You didn't mention your dad."
I guess I don't know what he'd do.
"Then maybe there is one person who you'd like to miss you." |
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